Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
