this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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