The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cannot find my penis.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
