@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
