drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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