I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
