My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
