Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
