mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
