I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
