i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
