His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
