i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ketchup is God's man juice
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
