good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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