Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
