i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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