I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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