Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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