i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
