I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
