i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
