Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
