is your mom at the bar?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need to align my fucking chakras
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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