I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
