i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
