weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
