I puked a lego.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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