I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
