Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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