It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
