I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
