I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
