God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm both gender and math confused
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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