yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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