im drinking this country out of the recession.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
