you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
