First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
