so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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