Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
