i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
