I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
