I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
