Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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