Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
vagina is talking i cant
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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