So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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