So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
