so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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