I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
