If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
