Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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