where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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